I’ve struggled with finding my purpose. What I’m good at and what I have passion and drive for. When I was a hairstylist my passion for what I did and for the industry was indescribable, but that dwindled as my flame burned out and my passion turned into work. I began to hate getting up and going to work, I dreaded the days where I had back to back clients, everything I once loved about my career now irritated me. Some days go by where I miss it, but the passion just isn’t there anymore.
Before wanting to be a hairstylist I wanted to be a labor and delivery nurse. I pushed that aside because I didn’t believe I was capable or smart enough to do it. With the help and extra shove from my husband I went back to school, I started getting my prerequisites out of the way and I couldn’t have been more excited…. and overwhelmed. Extremely overwhelmed. I worked full time, went to school full time online and on campus, and I was a full time mom and wife. To top it off, I found out I was pregnant right before my first semester started. I was weak and had horrible morning sickness, with constant migraines. I was locking myself in my room to work on school and ignoring my family…I couldn’t do it. I was letting my studies slide and at this point I was doing the assignments for the grades but not actually learning. I was torn between school and family, and I had to make a choice. I withdrew from school. I was depressed and disappointed. I questioned my decision for a long time. Family continued to reassure me that I was still young and I could go back when the kids were a little older. I listened to them and left it behind me.
For years I begged my husband to let me stay home with the kids while he worked because I wanted nothing more than to be a stay at home mom and finally we made a huge and very fast move that would make it where there was no other option but for me to stay home. We don’t believe in sending our children to daycare, we’ve only ever allowed close family to watch them. And being out in the middle of nowhere took us away from that. I got my wish and now I’m home with my babies. You’d think I would be content now, not having to “work”, being with my kids every day, and not missing anything, right? I thought I would be too, but I still find myself trying to find something to do something other than cleaning, cooking, playing with the kids. Something just for me. I’ve mentioned before how much I love sharing stories, and I’ve watched my mom grow a very successful blog. I thought why not? Let’s give it a shot!
I was excited and passionate it brought joy thinking I would be able to relate to others and help them relate to me. But getting what’s in your head to paper isn’t as easy as it seems. I can’t tell you how many articles I have, half-finished saved to my desktop. I get half way through and think “well this sucks!” Or “no one wants to read this” I’ve read countless mom blogs for motivation and tips on how to write a successful piece and still I struggle with getting what I want to say onto paper. I’ve thought about taking a creative writing class to help with my confidence and writers block as well as expanding my vocabulary. Then the doubt sets in again. I question myself and if I made the right decision starting a blog, if anyone will even read it. With hair I didn’t struggle, it came naturally. I didn’t worry about if I was good enough, I grabbed the bull by the horns and took off. So why wasn’t writing like that for me? Why could I tell endless stories to friends and family but I couldn’t share them with the world. Because it’s new. Because I’m afraid of judgement and failure.
Today, I woke up and realized who cares? Who cares if I fail, who cares if people don’t like what I post. I’m doing this for ME! I love being a mom and a wife, I love sharing my joys and not so joyous moments, with anyone willing to listen. I still have the passion for writing and storytelling, but I need to find that drive and confidence. The drive will develop over time as the confidence grows.
The only way to get better at something is to try and try again. I have to fail in order to succeed. My post may not be the greatest, sometimes they might completely suck. They may be far and few between, with a new baby about to make her debut. But my blog allows me to vent, it’s an online, open diary to the world. And sometimes you just need an outlet from reality and that’s what this is for me. I will continue to write for as long as I have stories to tell and for as long as I need to vent.
Now that I’ve gotten this off my chest and onto paper (yay!!) I better get back to cleaning my disastrous house before the little one decides he needs to “help”.